I have defiantly sabotaged myself in this journey as well as endless others. I have done weight watches, Jenny Craig, and 2 fat camps in my teens with no results. I reflect on those past exsperiences exspecialy Jenny Craig because with Jenny Craig I lost 60 lbs (I gained it all back plus 20 lbs)my dad got remarried and I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship at the time. One day I became hateful towards myself, and I was angry at everyone around me for my own unhappiness due to the many unhealthy situations that I was in I felt like I didn’t have a voice, and Being A prisoner inside my own body felt safer then becoming the healthy attractive person inside and out that I am striving to become now. When I was 16 I was raped and became pregnant then miscarried the child, and because of that exsperience I felt that Eating my way to fluffy was a better decision then facing the fears of my own potential, and learning how to handle life with better coping skills then running to the fridge for false happiness false support. Food was my means to face life, face my grief, face the world without facing myself in the mirror. I am the type of person that is sensitive to all emotion. I feel every little vibe, and every little tear. As long as I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror and face my hatred and denial about myself life was peachy. The truth about who I was was that I was afraid of success. I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt that success was only for people that were victorious. Here was I… A victim, a failed Colledge student, a failed girlfriend, a person that wanted to live life by being spiritually and emotionally dead. My denial was so thick to cover up my pain that In my head I didn’t have any problems. I am all good. Being 270lbs is okay my heart will be fine. The list goes on.
Then 2 years ago I met my boyfriend that is a body builder. Is nutrition savey. During that time I told him that my goals were to get healthy and have an active lifestyle. About a year into the relationship he was going to dump me due to not living out the goals that I said I wanted in the first place. I was at an all time low depression. I few days after that My mom said that I had to watch Fat Sick Nearly dead. Initially I lied to her and told her that I watched it when I really didn’t. Then I watched. After I saw the movie I felt like That was my last oppertunity to achieve my potential. So Febuary first I started the reboot. I had nothing to loose, and everything to gain. For the first time I choose to get healthy because I wanted it.I was desperate for a radicle miracle.
Ever time I go off the reboot I actually have a conversation with myself asking forgiveness. Because when I go off the reboot it is 1 of three reasons. 1: I am afraid of the changes that are happening. From weight loss to not knowing who I am. 2: I feel like I am not in control of anything that is going on around me from weight loss to school or troubles at home that I binge because I give food the power to console the unknown and my insecurities about myself.3; I am a victim that isn’t worthy of success. Food is the only thing that will fill this insecurity. The truth is I am the only thing that has the power to heal my thoughts, I have the power to be successful, and I have the power to choose success. Food will never have the power to heal soul emotional troubles and false statements. Food can not nurture you. Only you can. When you do a reboot the more success you have the confidence that you will gain. The more that you do a reboot the more that the onion layers will peel back the revelations of the reasons why you have given food the power to fill your needs, insecurities. You may feel raw and volnerable. The more that you face into the underlying issues and forgive yourself for what ever choices that have gotten you to this point in your life. The more that you will learn to be confident empowered, and joyful. With a little structure like a reboot comes freedom. Fear of the unknown erases away. How you think changes. It is almost a metamorphoses.
I have been on this reboot for about 121days. I bet I have gone off my reboot at least 20-25 times. Each time I do my best to ask the hard questions examine the whys forgive myself and start new right then and there. There is no start tomorrow because for my I know that I am just pushing it away. I drink a juice after the binge and start the routine. I face the guilt and shame associated with my decision. Pray give it to God and continue with the journey. I make sure that I have vegan soups around like Amy’s low sodium. Or salad makings veggies that I can steam so I can still stay on point with my goals. I write goals out and put it on my fridge to remind myself of the bigger picture. When I reach my goals I reward myself by clothes date a road trip. I learned to not reward myself with food. Food isn’t a reward it is nourishment.
When I feel anxiety I pray. I write in my journal. I take a walk. The first thing that I do I at get far away from the kitchen. When I write in a journal It allows me to retread it when I am struggling down the line to remind myself of what I felt or how I handled it. It also allows me to write letters to myself that are encouraging. That build up my spirit. I also ask myself why I feel the way I feel about something and write down the answer so I can dig deeper in to the whys. I also go to Counceling to get outside support. I like to paint. I also take selfies to remind myself how far I have come for the days were I am negitive and throwing an adult tantrum towards life.
I juice a gallon of juice at a time In a glass jug so that I have about three days worth of juice. I do green and red juices. So That Everything is ready to go so I can be successful. I have an emergency Amy’s low sodium soup that is vegan when I want to run to my refrigerator. I am working on my consistency at going to the gym,It is my struggle at the moment but It is getting better. I fall in love with myself. I am learning to not criticize myself but instead I courage myself. Rebooting is a physical journey as well as a journey that puts you in a situation were you face the under lying reasons why I haven’t loved myself and by facing those things and forgiving myself for my own self destructive behavior and self hatred. It helps build my new healthy self loving foundation for my life. Man It is a lot of work sometimes scary because sometime I am afraid of facing truths about myself. I have learned that by facing those truths my chains are slowly coming undone, and I am not allowing my weight to hide the person that I was afraid to become. I take rebooting a moment at a time, a journal entry at a time, sometimes even a thought at a time. Nourishing my body with juice has allowed me to nourish/ heal my body and my urticaria, It has allowed me to nourish/ heal my mind with positivity and a new outlook, and has nourished/healed my faith in who I am becoming and believing in God that created me more then I ever have before. I am not trying to tell you what to believe in. Just telling you what I have exsperienced. So no pressure in believing in faith. I hope this response isn’t to personal, but I hope it gives you a slice of my journey in a 360 degree perspective, as well as gives you hope and encouragement in your journey. You can achieve. You deserve success, and you deserve a successful victory. You can do this. A moment at a time. Everyone can be successful It take only one decision. That is saying yes to a new beginning!
Yesterday while I was adding my past journal entries I realized that Raw Warrior Talks Should be about my present. The present struggles about juicing. The present celebrations on reaching goals. Raw talk about any and all topics. So the present posts starts now.
Raw Warrior Talk! 