This morning I was in a bad frame of mind when I stepped on the scale. I hate facing the good the bad and the ugly. I put so much power into what the scale has to say that I allow the rudest criticism to enter my thoughts.When I finally got the courage to look at what the scale had to say I was surprised. 204.4!!!! 2 pounds lost!!!
Loving yourself isn’t about perfection or holding ourselves to an out of reach royal standard. It is about building a love affair with yourself. A love bond that is so deep that know one can give you your own definition of worth. Not a boyfriend or the ideals of society can provide a bond that is soaked with unconditional love as you can. Faith also helps me to love myself. Loving myself has been the best tool that I have used to find myself!
Today I am starting my own love story! Who else will start creating their love affair with the person they see in the mirror?
Well today was very difficult! I started of strong with 2 20oz juice then Drank crio bru with creamer then enjoyed some Burger King chicken nuggets. With My urticaria acting up I really need to focus on clean eating, and having fresh juice veggies and fruit only for awhile! I will make tomorrow a successful day! I will make the choice in this moment to fully commit to my reboot. Tomorrow my actions will show my intentions!
Yesterday while I was adding my past journal entries I realized that Raw Warrior Talks Should be about my present. The present struggles about juicing. The present celebrations on reaching goals. Raw talk about any and all topics. So the present posts starts now.
Today I started a fresh juice reboot. A juice fast for 90 days.I faced the fear of the scale. This morning I took a more compassionate approach. I told myself that I loved myself before I got on. I would love myself no matter what the number was. When 206.8 became the reality. I made it the starting point of my juice fast. I can change the number.The number doesn’t define me.It is just the starting point.
I have allowed many things to dictate my success. I have given hives the power to hold me back from going to the gym.Food being my therapist. Enough is enough. It is a choice to achieve goals. In my case it starts with making the choice of a new juice fast. The next step is making the choice to go to the gym. Making a choice to take small steps in the right direction.Today my fears have become my flashlight. A flashlight that will shine on things that I have to face in order to step towards a new beginning of taking a courageous step towards a better me. The fears that the light shines on are the hardest things that I will need to face forgive and then let go in order to be successful in Becoming my potential. Today is the first step that I have successfully taken to face the fear of being successful. The fear of drastic change. Day 1 of 90 is off to a strong start!
Yes the weight does come off! Be patient with yourself and love yourself at every opportunity. I am 56 lbs down and I am still learning love for myself, I am still learning what proactive determination and what it truely takes to achieve what I set out to become. Today I have chosen freedom, I have chosen a new lifestyle that has freed me from my chains of binge and emotional eating self hatred self distruction. I have forgiven myself for all the pain that I once chose to define me. The pain, guilt,shame, and the excuses/ lies that I believed to fuel the unkind treatment that I once used to distruct and to punish my identity. Today My chains are coming off. My reboot has taught me the definition of self love. The definition of self forgiveness, And given me the responsibility to create an empowered warrior. A warrior that has gone to war to be victorious against the chains of food slavery and has returned to to reinvent nutrition’s place in my life. A partnership that puts food in its rightful place. A place were Food has no emotional power over my success. Food is only a tool to feed a healthy body.it is not a friend.it is not a soother.it can’t talk to me when I am lonely, it can’t provide me With the luxury of filling my needs for me. Food is only a tool for me to use to become my best self. Food doesn’t have the power to feed my insecurities with lies or fill my needs with emptiness. I am in control of my life today. I am I control of filling my needs and filling my insecurities with self love and self forgiveness. I have made the proactive choice to use my reboot to build the warrior that My potential is calling me to be.I have already made the toughest decision 120 days ago. I took my first step towards a new adventure to health. The most important lesson that I have learned is that this reboot is an individual journey. No one besides myself can take responsibility for my self distructive behavior.(my denial) not my family not my friends only I can take care of the old wounds that I covered myself. Fat is the best costume to cover up wounds denial self hatred. Only I can fix the deeper wounds that caused the behavior in the first place. By rebooting I made the choice to take responsibility for changing my biggest weakness. I have allowed food to enslaved me for 10-14 years. I have chosen to take responsibility over my own healing with my family and friends supporting me on the sidelines. I am thanking responsibility for my self destructive behavior that created my exceptionally needy unhealthy relationship with food! It is a lesson that I am blessed to learn at 24. With this journey comes a new life style and a whole new set of coping skills. I have saught out Counceling and writing in a journal to help me recreate a healthy foundation to fix the wounds that got me to 270-275. I believe any one can embark on this journey. No matter if you are skinny healthy sick fat obese it doesn’t matter juicing can bring all kinds of new behaviors to everybody.I am here for anybody that needs encouragement-or an accountability partner friend I am available!!!
I have defiantly sabotaged myself in this journey as well as endless others. I have done weight watches, Jenny Craig, and 2 fat camps in my teens with no results. I reflect on those past exsperiences exspecialy Jenny Craig because with Jenny Craig I lost 60 lbs (I gained it all back plus 20 lbs)my dad got remarried and I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship at the time. One day I became hateful towards myself, and I was angry at everyone around me for my own unhappiness due to the many unhealthy situations that I was in I felt like I didn’t have a voice, and Being A prisoner inside my own body felt safer then becoming the healthy attractive person inside and out that I am striving to become now. When I was 16 I was raped and became pregnant then miscarried the child, and because of that exsperience I felt that Eating my way to fluffy was a better decision then facing the fears of my own potential, and learning how to handle life with better coping skills then running to the fridge for false happiness false support. Food was my means to face life, face my grief, face the world without facing myself in the mirror. I am the type of person that is sensitive to all emotion. I feel every little vibe, and every little tear. As long as I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror and face my hatred and denial about myself life was peachy. The truth about who I was was that I was afraid of success. I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt that success was only for people that were victorious. Here was I… A victim, a failed Colledge student, a failed girlfriend, a person that wanted to live life by being spiritually and emotionally dead. My denial was so thick to cover up my pain that In my head I didn’t have any problems. I am all good. Being 270lbs is okay my heart will be fine. The list goes on.
Then 2 years ago I met my boyfriend that is a body builder. Is nutrition savey. During that time I told him that my goals were to get healthy and have an active lifestyle. About a year into the relationship he was going to dump me due to not living out the goals that I said I wanted in the first place. I was at an all time low depression. I few days after that My mom said that I had to watch Fat Sick Nearly dead. Initially I lied to her and told her that I watched it when I really didn’t. Then I watched. After I saw the movie I felt like That was my last oppertunity to achieve my potential. So Febuary first I started the reboot. I had nothing to loose, and everything to gain. For the first time I choose to get healthy because I wanted it.I was desperate for a radicle miracle.
Ever time I go off the reboot I actually have a conversation with myself asking forgiveness. Because when I go off the reboot it is 1 of three reasons. 1: I am afraid of the changes that are happening. From weight loss to not knowing who I am. 2: I feel like I am not in control of anything that is going on around me from weight loss to school or troubles at home that I binge because I give food the power to console the unknown and my insecurities about myself.3; I am a victim that isn’t worthy of success. Food is the only thing that will fill this insecurity. The truth is I am the only thing that has the power to heal my thoughts, I have the power to be successful, and I have the power to choose success. Food will never have the power to heal soul emotional troubles and false statements. Food can not nurture you. Only you can. When you do a reboot the more success you have the confidence that you will gain. The more that you do a reboot the more that the onion layers will peel back the revelations of the reasons why you have given food the power to fill your needs, insecurities. You may feel raw and volnerable. The more that you face into the underlying issues and forgive yourself for what ever choices that have gotten you to this point in your life. The more that you will learn to be confident empowered, and joyful. With a little structure like a reboot comes freedom. Fear of the unknown erases away. How you think changes. It is almost a metamorphoses.
I have been on this reboot for about 121days. I bet I have gone off my reboot at least 20-25 times. Each time I do my best to ask the hard questions examine the whys forgive myself and start new right then and there. There is no start tomorrow because for my I know that I am just pushing it away. I drink a juice after the binge and start the routine. I face the guilt and shame associated with my decision. Pray give it to God and continue with the journey. I make sure that I have vegan soups around like Amy’s low sodium. Or salad makings veggies that I can steam so I can still stay on point with my goals. I write goals out and put it on my fridge to remind myself of the bigger picture. When I reach my goals I reward myself by clothes date a road trip. I learned to not reward myself with food. Food isn’t a reward it is nourishment.
When I feel anxiety I pray. I write in my journal. I take a walk. The first thing that I do I at get far away from the kitchen. When I write in a journal It allows me to retread it when I am struggling down the line to remind myself of what I felt or how I handled it. It also allows me to write letters to myself that are encouraging. That build up my spirit. I also ask myself why I feel the way I feel about something and write down the answer so I can dig deeper in to the whys. I also go to Counceling to get outside support. I like to paint. I also take selfies to remind myself how far I have come for the days were I am negitive and throwing an adult tantrum towards life.
I juice a gallon of juice at a time In a glass jug so that I have about three days worth of juice. I do green and red juices. So That Everything is ready to go so I can be successful. I have an emergency Amy’s low sodium soup that is vegan when I want to run to my refrigerator. I am working on my consistency at going to the gym,It is my struggle at the moment but It is getting better. I fall in love with myself. I am learning to not criticize myself but instead I courage myself. Rebooting is a physical journey as well as a journey that puts you in a situation were you face the under lying reasons why I haven’t loved myself and by facing those things and forgiving myself for my own self destructive behavior and self hatred. It helps build my new healthy self loving foundation for my life. Man It is a lot of work sometimes scary because sometime I am afraid of facing truths about myself. I have learned that by facing those truths my chains are slowly coming undone, and I am not allowing my weight to hide the person that I was afraid to become. I take rebooting a moment at a time, a journal entry at a time, sometimes even a thought at a time. Nourishing my body with juice has allowed me to nourish/ heal my body and my urticaria, It has allowed me to nourish/ heal my mind with positivity and a new outlook, and has nourished/healed my faith in who I am becoming and believing in God that created me more then I ever have before. I am not trying to tell you what to believe in. Just telling you what I have exsperienced. So no pressure in believing in faith. I hope this response isn’t to personal, but I hope it gives you a slice of my journey in a 360 degree perspective, as well as gives you hope and encouragement in your journey. You can achieve. You deserve success, and you deserve a successful victory. You can do this. A moment at a time. Everyone can be successful It take only one decision. That is saying yes to a new beginning!
Have an amazing Memorial Day I am half way to my goal of 209.9. Hello to 215.6!!
Chef’s table is an awesome series that connects food with culture, but most importantly shines a light on healthy relationship examples with food. A beauty that I haven’t seen documented in a series for awhile. Another great series is called cooked!
I have been proactively creating a raw relationship with nutrition for about five months now. This journey has given me the desire to revolutionize how humans interact with food, how we interpret food,and how we use nutrients to empower ourselves.A bond that is both creative and therapeutic. An interaction that empowers human knowledge to a productive lifestyle. I have learned from my own journey that my relationship with food was built on eating my way to happiness so that I could cover up my denial, my shame, my guilt with another layer of fat. This type of relationship gives food all the power.Instead of facing my issues and forgiving myself I gave a substance the ability to nourish my pain.The truth is that food was nourishing my ability to run instead of nourishing my healing. I am the only person that can make the decision to forgive, and choose to be proactive in my healing. Nutrition doesn’t have the luxury to soothe. I am no longer going to give food that false power. I want to teach people my new intimate connection with food. A relationship that promotes healing, and one that applies nutrition back to ones Dailey goals.Gym goals health goals….. I truly believe that raw nutrition has the power to heal the body. This type of connection with food is so intimate that by gaining wisdom it touches new ways to initiate living a life outside of what society condones as healthy. Learning new ways to interact with nutrients has taught me that nutrition doesn’t have the power to make me feel shame, and food can’t fill my needs outside of nourishment. Humans have the power to associate food to whatever fills Their needs our denials, but it will never truly fill your need until you fill it yourself properly.Nutrition can no longer make me feel ashamed or guilty. Nutrition can only nourish me. I want to teach others that you can live a life free of self doubt. It can only bring human metamorphoses.
Here is to a new semester in school, and here is to 222.7. Time to get more active and fall in love with juice once again
I am fighting to get back down to 222 I am 2 lbs away. My next goal is to get down into the 200 teens(219-210)
I am taking a week off from weighing myself. I feel like I am becoming way to critical and hard on myself. Time to juice and love myself without the scale. This is going to be a rough challenge
Hello to 219.1 a fresh day for a new journey! Towards the 201-209